08 - 27 - 2024
fucking oops. lol. snarled at her this morning over a ripped compost bag and now she's not gonna sponsor me for my road test. i need to "learn to control my emotions before i get a license to operate a 2000 pound killing machine". great. good to know my emotions are just that volatile. waddafuck. this would be the perfect time to lock in (as the kids say) and just blow through the test with ease and confidence. has she considered that it's because she's in the car with me? that it's upsetting and triggering to try and focus while that's happening? whatever. my stomach hurts and I'm nauseous, probably because I haven't eaten much. Fuck, I genuinely feel like I'm going to vomit. What the hell is going on with me anyway?
I mean, she is partially right, I do have to control my emotions. I'm fucking trying. fuck.
08 - 26 - 2024
ugh. it's almost my birthday. im really nervous and anxious, honestly.
updaet 08 - 27 - 2024 @ 1:25AM
Very sad. Miserable, Honestly. Been crying/sobbing all day, which isn't great because I have stuff to do. It'll be fine. My heart is broken, and for good reason. I am begging myself to let this be a learning experience. Also I feel it's almost official that nobody is gonna understand stuff with . . .her. I told my therapist straight up today, how much she mistreats me, and the therapist kinda looked at me funny and didn't really say anything. I feel fucking insane. I want to scream. I want to throw the fuck up. I need to get out of here. I don't know where I'll go but I need to leave. She said she's so happy to have me around. I feel positively sick and ill. I need to keep this job, not make any mistakes, save up and run away. Idk where. But it's not fucking safe here and even if nobody will ever fully believe me, I can feel it. We all can. It's harmful and dangerous. SHE'S harmful and dangerous. Why is abuse so embarrassing? Anyway. I am in a lot of despair right now. I don't have proper earphones, either. If I had a working pair, everything would be PEACHY. That's a half joke. Lol. I'm so fucking sad. And angry. I can't fucking help and heal myself like this. Why doesn't anyone understand that? WHy why why why why why why? It must be my fault. I have to deserve this somehow. That's the only reason. Or something.
I'm so sad. It's late and I want to sleep but I can't stop crying and thinking about upsetting things. Please! Please let me survive this. Please.
08 - 23 - 2024
At work again. A sweet lady came in; she was very pretty and also smelled quite strongly of pine. The scent is lingering around my register. It's actually very grounding. - Henry
08 - 22 - 2024
jesus, it's almost my september. and my road test. and my birthday. yeesh. I decided to work on my birthday. not sure why. probably to avoid familial discomfort at a restaurant or something. Not really in the mood for that, haha.
08 - 15 - 2024I hope this doesn't become like a diary.
08 - 10 - 2024ehh. having a difficult time today. it's definitely fun to use rhe blog feature though.
08 - 08 - 2024I really hope you are able to see what I see. eventually. Eventually. I know you feel it. I told you, pretty much flat out. Because if I keep this shit inside I will combust.= like a fucking whale carcass in the sun
08 - 08 - 2024Unfortunately, just another reason to convince me that I am the only one who will ever understand. No one else understands. It's just the way it is. No one will ever see it. No one will ever know. It's like when a reflection is warped underwater. When it looks like your head is separated from your body. So sad. Such a shame.
It does make me feel crazy. It makes me feel scared and alone. It makes me feel like an ungrateful child. Maybe I am.Does anyone remember Harajuku Lovers perfume? by Gwen Stefani. Kind of racially insensitive, but they smelled great.
08 - 06 - 2024I am your perfect prince. I am your automaton, wound up
Your daughter, husband, wife
clean outpouring
cut out of your tree trunk, carved Matroshka doll
08 - 05 - 2024time heals all wounds
08 - 04 - 2024I'm not sure where to start in terms of chronic suicidality, as well as chronic depression, I guess. Long-term self loathing, deep-seated, designed to be incorrigible.
It's a very strange experience.It's surreal. It's hard to explain. It's an amalgamation of contradictions, a confusing mishmash of non-truths. It makes me feel like I'm always in a trance, and the only time I am conscious is when I am as close to comprehending the nature of my worthlessness as possible.
When I talk about it in the next lines, as if it is real life, I strive to protect myself from its grasp, and seek to safely express how this experience affects me.
It is a divine fact.
I could never hope to understand it. And it is also a dead, gray, neutral mundanity that should come as common sense.
It should simply be understood that I am less than nothing. I "exist" to cause harm towards myself and everyone around me. That is my purpose. I need, must, have an obligation to be suffering in order to justify my space in the world. It's a relationship. It tells me that I am fundamentally entwined with self loathing. That I do not deserve be given a name, identity, love. That I am a squirming, writhing mass of filth. That it's almost beautiful how grotesque I am. There it goes, getting all paradoxical again.
It's an obsession. It's all-consuming. This mass feeds off of me because I am repugnant enough to satiate its desire for garbage.
In its ideal world, I am constantly tortured, never knowing peace. My state would be one of eternal pain, punishment for my mind and body for daring to take up room in the universe.It tells me I was just born bad. I was born tainted, infected, poisonous. My insides are hideously pustuled, bloated with maggots and the slime of decay. I am a mangled wolf with rabies, cowering in a rotting sheepskin.
This tumor, this putrid black tar swallowing my brain—it gets giddy with delight when I surrender to its way of thinking. It's like a drug. It's intoxicating. It's an addiction.